N3xU$

2006-09-29T00:53:00.000-07:00

i noe i will nvr be forgiven
i therefore from today onwards will treat it as it was at sec2
where we both din noe each other, and nvr tlked tu each other
i still love uu. but it seems we were never meant tu be together,
where the fuck is god wen uu need him?

prove tu me, that there is such a thing called love
only den will i believe.
believe in god.
believe in a miracle.

2006-09-24T06:02:00.000-07:00

im srry.,i guess uu will nvr see dis.but i wont 2-time le.
dat i promise tu uu.
i will nvr ever giv uu up, or lie tu uu
i promised tu nvr make uu angry.and i will keep dat promise.
keep it till i die./
i promise.
hees

sadist™

2006-09-18T06:12:00.000-07:00

not talkin tu uu fer one day makes me feel strange
it dint matter las time
now it does.
crap
im livin in a life full of false hopes.

can uu prove me wrong?
im hopin uu can
i wan uu tu
but will uu?>
igv me an answer.a sign anyting

2006-09-17T01:52:00.000-07:00

im srry.ignorin u is the best i can do.
i lyk 2 ppl.how can dat be?
i hav sms u too much.trusted u too much.told uu too much.
and it changed me.
i dun see y i can lyk u.
but i juz do.
i dun wan to.but i have no choice.
fuck love. i dun belive in love.
either der is no such ting as love
or the love fer me has gotten lost.
lost and nvr be found.
nvr tu b accepted.as a person
but as a THING.
wad am i here fer?
i dun deserve tu be here
im a waste of resources.
im gonna quit sch soon.
sukks
HEES

sadistc

2006-06-04T06:44:00.000-07:00

i still remember
a distant memory
of the times we had
the fun we had
it instilled in my mind the happy times
maybe i can say i lyked euu
but nvr had the courage tu let euu noe
i myt hav regretted dat
y was i so weak..
am i a coward.
but i knew its inevitable
dat another person would take euu away
the fun times gone
lingers only in the deep lost memories of my mind
how i wish dat the oold days were now
start of e year. was the period with most fun
haisss
dosent matter anymore does it
i know i am weak.
i would giv up evryting dat is me
fer euu

lOner
do i noe euu?

2006-05-26T06:42:00.000-07:00

...
bullet through my fuckin heartt.
spare me from this agony.
this feeling i get evry single fuckin day.
release me from dis sufferin
i have nttn left tu say
nttn left tu live fer
only awaitin the day
where i would soon be gone
i noe i am nttn
not strong fit or nice.
but i try tu be someting
dat would make me be seen
compared tu others.i am thrash
i accept dat fact.it cant be changed.
so all i wan.is fer someone tu put me out of my misery.

2006-05-12T07:15:00.000-07:00

its nttn really..just nttn

2006-05-11T08:21:00.000-07:00

i chnged.ppl chnged frnds chnged. evryting is chngin around us
the world is changin evryday.yet we cant accept it.
im no exception.i cant accept these changes.
fuckin changes.changes are meant tu be god.
but wad the hell is good?
aldof hitler.one of the worst cold hearted guy who killed thousands of jews cuz hes racist?he does all these.start world wars.to him.wad hes doin is good,dats his point of view.but wad about the ppl he killed,their families.do they also say its good?
hais..i hav chnged i noe dat.
i juz wna be bak.2 years ago.bak in bis.
no worries.no nttn
no1 tryi tu commit suicide evryday.no troubles.
but i cant do much about it can i?
i live my life.yet i have no fukin control over it.
den wad the hell is the point of livin it?
ah fuckit.

fuckin changes..

______ __ __ ____ __ __ ___ ____
___ / __\ / / / \ __
__ __ / _
__ \_\__/_ / \____/ _ \ \ \___/
__ __ __ __ __ __ ____ ____
\/ \ \/ / __ __
__ _ __
\_/_ ___ ____

2006-05-09T19:21:00.000-07:00

evryting i noe and live fer was a lie.
all just a lie.
lemme go tu sleep
.just sleep/.

2006-05-08T05:14:00.000-07:00

dis bottem post is dedicated tu DC fer being such a good frnd.l0lz x)

2006-05-08T05:04:00.000-07:00

i hav decided.the only path fer me now is a path of isolation.to be deviod of all feelings.tu not get involved in things dat dosn't concern me.
ppl can say i godam selfish but i dun care.
wad ppl tink means nttn tu me
how would bein alone feel?
im gonna noe soon.
deviod of all feelings.-some one dies.
be it frnd or accquantence.i will jus stand der.
maybe smile abit.am i sadistic?
it dosen matter now does it?

heh amen

2006-05-04T04:47:00.000-07:00

how can euu lyk someone.wen euu noe dat she lyks someone else.and dat the someone else lyks her back.
i do not wan tu interfere in dat.dey both lyk each other.i wuld be an interference.but its so hard tu giv up.yet ive been doin dat fer years.
i giv up easily.becuz i noe dat ders alwaes some1 else hu can treat her better,look better.and is practically better den me all the time.
if i lyk some1,i cant do alot.im a failure.i admit.
euu ppl are ryt..

2006-04-24T06:47:00.000-07:00

wth do euu ppl noe bout my life?
nttn bloody hell
ur my parents.my dad
euu keep on askin me tu get a life
tu not spen time on the com
euu ask me dat
but i'll ask euu someting else
do euu have a life at all?
if euu dun.y the hell are euu askin me tu get one
i jolly well have a life im proud of
it sucks yet i actually have one
godammit

im 14.comin tu bloody 15.and euu ask me tu come bak early
cant i do things i wan fer a change.
ppl tink im carefree
but tu all those ppl.
do euu tink ur right?
how long have euu all known me>?
1? 2 years?
do euu noe wad thoughts im tinkin evryday
do euu noe how much pain i feel evryday
i guess not
.

2006-04-16T06:57:00.000-07:00

decisions.
i have decided tu ferget bout euu.
i decided tu ferget bout evryone around me
to disown and not acknowledge evryting i hold dear.
tu be rid of any emotions
tu be rid of feelings
tu turn my heart tu stone.
nowadays i have nothin tu say tu anyone
wad i say i dun noe.
words juz come out of my mouth
i have no notice wads comin out
bloody parents.ppl tink dey are nice.
well fuck dem.wth ask me go places i dun wan

i help others.even though i cant help myself
i put in evryting tu help ppl.help their problems.becuz i dun wan dem tu sffer lyk m
i have given up on myself
fully and completely given up
me.im someone whos juz here tu waste earths resources/.
juz take my life
some1.
anyone
please

2006-04-10T05:38:00.000-07:00

theres alwaes darkness in everybodies hearts
there never is a heart wid no dark
when we have no control of ourselfs.
the darkness comes out.
it comes in many formsin simple lyin or murder
some people can control themselves
most cant
its like a wild animal
never tu be tamed.
and wad bout the light?
the opposite of the dark
its also in evrybodies hearts.but yet.it is little.almost nothing

2006-04-09T06:25:00.000-07:00

wad the fuck is wrong wid some ppl dese days.
hais it seems lyk dey are a totally different person or someting
i juz dun understand it
y ??

dese days.i get frustrated.i dun even noe y.
too much on my mind i suppose.
i try tu lighten up.i sometimes do.but mostly its the same
im plunged in darkness.dey say light and dark goes on eternally.
does this man dat i will be the dark.
i dun mind.as long as my friends keep on stayin in the light.i'll gladly be the dark.
for widout dark,thers no light
widout evil ders no good.
evryting needs tu be balanced.this is the way the world works
there can never be a world filled with good ppl
neither can der be a world full of evil people.
so ppl.i plead of euu
dun ttry tu get me out of the darkness.
i am willing tu stay der.juz dun follow me..

2006-04-01T05:28:00.000-08:00

dis is my last try.
i will bia0 bai on dis blog.
please.i lyk euu.i noe its not sincere as compared tu me tellin euu in person.but if euu read dis.even if euu hate me tu the core.juz tell me..

....please...hope is gone hahhs

2006-03-21T05:24:00.000-08:00

my mother brought me to a fortune teller person.
sthe fortune teller said many things about me
i nver believed until today
she said wad i was feeling inside
not all abit.in front of my parents
i thank her she dint say alot out

she made me realized.
i am just a guy.wid a box in me
that box has been stoppin all my feelings from coming out
it will be wid me my whole life
she also said.that i have no courage in me
i always keep quiet.people scold me.suan me.i keep it in me.
at home i keep it in me
she said dats y i dint have a stead.i had no courage.and i agreed wid her
i alwaes get pushed around.cuz i dont do anything about it.
dis is fate.
dis is wad god planned fer me.
i should have asked how i die.
i know she noes it
hais.
i guess im nttn but a failure.
a coward.dats me
hum ji.
i most likely cant stand up fer myself.even if i could.
y. fuckit.

2006-03-19T04:48:00.000-08:00

dis past few days i've been thinkin
thinkin bout many things
i cant help it
i think im gettin emo
thinkin bout slittin my wrists
imagine that

ncc camp thought me alot of things
bout hardship

i muz not ferget the lessons i learned in the camp

i will always be there.
alwaes.
nver ferget it.

sch is startin tmlk
nid tu buck up
get better results.so i wont let my parents down
i must.

2006-03-06T04:54:00.000-08:00

.if life is so simple as we think it is
y isit dat i suffer so much?
y isit dat ppl around me suffer so much too?
am i fated tu bring pain and suffering tu evryone around me
if so i would rather not live.in order dat other ppl wont suffer.

y muz the world do dis tu me.
evryting i have dissapears before my eyes.
this mask is breaking.
sadness seeps out.
flows out lyk a waterfall
i cant stop it
the mask contanin it cracks.
it shatters before my eyes.
ii cannot do anything about it anymore.

if i was given a choice.i would want tu live a full life
but alas.this world is never fair tu us.
so all i can do is wait
wait till my cursed life ends.

2006-03-05T05:19:00.000-08:00

SUICIDAL THOUGHTS CIRCLING MY HEAD>
GET IT OUT OF ME.
WILL ANYONE NOTICE
I WILL LIVE IN AGONY
LIVE IN A BIG LIE
EVERYDAY IS A LIE
STOP THIS LIE
GET RID OF ME
I WILL BE HERE FER EUU NO MATTER WAD
NO MATTER WAD EUU DO TO ME
EVEN IF YOU BETRAY ME,BAKSTAB ME
I WILL BE THERE

2006-03-04T19:19:00.000-08:00

dosen matter anymore.

i just wan euu to take care of her.take care of urself.

if euu ever mistreat her.make her heart break.i will personally kill.i dun care how good we are as friends.remeber dat.euu probably will never see dis.but.i juz wanna wright dis down.i will kill euu b4 i kill myself.believe it.

looks lyk i will be alone till i die/.no1s der anymore.i wanna go bak.go bak tu the time wen der were no problems.y cant it be lyk dat.

hais.i can say nttn but laugh.slowly laugh tu entertain the people around me.
if i ever decide tu be truely happy.is wen i die.blissfully.life is full off hatred.changes happen tu evry1.it happens tu me.pl are dyin out der.while i sit here typin dis.

i find myself tinkin bout wad would happen if i meet wid a car accident.would it hurt?would ppl even noe?guess not/.

im juz a shadow.writing how i feel in here.its the only way i can show my feelings.cuz in actual fact.im but a guy wid no feelings.a stone cold heart.hu dosen care if ppl die.if my frens die.i will not shed a tear fer dem.i would juz stand der.

deAth
AmeN

2006-03-03T07:24:00.000-08:00

this waiting is killing me.give me a sign.please.i just ask fer a simple signe.weder its a yes or a no.

im dyin bit by bit inside of me.wad does it feel lyk to be dead.dats wads on my mind fer these past few days.do feel nothin.all black.darkness around me?.isit like when im asleep.just closed eyes.not knowing wads happening around me.

relationships are hard tu accept.i noe.but im willing to try.eh.nvm.dosen matter though does it.

some1 please come up to me.wid a knife,a gun.even a lighter will do.and just kill me.i don't mind.death comes to evryone eventually.so i might as well die now.agreed?/

im not the best out there.ppl wid looks.ppl wid talents.ppl who just make frnds easily.im not any of dat.im just a guy who stands in the background.where no1 notices.slowly fadin away.one day.i will be completely gone from the picture.

history will rewrite itself.the past becomes the present.i become wad i wass before.god bless the people who anger me.amen

2006-03-01T04:34:00.000-08:00

will anyone know how i feel?can anyone tell me wad i muz do tu make my dream come true.i'd do anything.anything fer euu.even if it means killing myself.i would gladly do it fer euu.nothing can stop me but myself.i would gladly die on ur behalf.never letting anyone bully you.

i hate tu see euu sadd.i hate tu see euu mistreated.i feel the sadness in euu.depression overcomes me.juz cause i wan euu.i need euu.i cant breathe widout euu.i am blind when ur not der tu help me get through my life.im deaf when euu dun tlk tu me.im insane when euu are away.

sadness overcomes me.it overcomes evrybody at one point of thier life.what can i say.a brave front is useless.as sadness is comin out of me lyk a waterfall.
why.when i see you smile.i smile.i cant take it anymore

kill me.please just kill me.

2006-02-28T05:52:00.000-08:00

i learned that the class is actually better with me being quiet.when im noisy.wad do ppl benefit from it?

i am only forcin myself to smile in front of all of dem.but yet i cant seem tu do it anymore.fer 1 year i have been tryin.y do i stop now.im too tired?what the hell is going on.

im confused.my mind is twirling.wad of dis feeling i have.confusion.when i see her.and when i see her.ders no words tu describe how i feel.the closest i get is happiness and dizziness?but all i noe is dat it will end in heart breaks.the wrenchin feelin i am used to after so many years.it pains me tu even tink of it.her death.

i want a new life.in dis new class.but can i find one?im seein myself turn bak tu hu i was 2 years ago.dat was the past.the dam past dat haunts me.threatenin tu break out.i dont wanna let this ppl knw my past.dats y in truth.no1 really noes me.dey nver seen wad i can do.how i feel only i noe.some may take a guess.but dey dun see the whole thing.i am left wid me alone.

in dis new year.i wanna stop my past from returnin.tu get on wid my life.ferget about her.see the bright side.yet it is long and hard.i can make myself see the bright side.i have a heart of stone.i have no feelins.when ppl die.i stand der.no expression on my face.when im sad.i put on a mask of hapines.i convinced ppl im hapy.but am i?
only god noes.and all i noe is dat right now.im alone.wid only me tu look out fer.and maybe.juz maybe.i can find some1 dat cares about me.and i care about dat some1.but will i live long enough...

2006-02-24T07:12:00.000-08:00

am i too much of a pushover.
am i goin too soft on everybody.im trying to be happy.who i want to be but can never be.happy.carefree.but yall take it to ur advantage.ask me do this ask me do that.juz cause i do it fer ppl with a smile dosen mean i want ta do it.when will any of you ever learn that i am trying not to get angry.to put on a happy front.is tirin enough without all of you ppl treatin me as free labour? do i really have ta fight back so that you all know im not a pushover. im back.the old me.its over i was doom from the start to be like this.i cant change fate.no matter how hard i try i am and can only be worthless. useless scum. this year has done nothin fer me. i feel rejected. dejected. alone. so what am i gonna do?

im juz gonna be alone.its over.

amen

2006-02-04T22:06:00.000-08:00

its all lies.
the things you said before
the things we promised.
its all fergotten
euu fergot it not me
your words are still in my head
i used tu look up tu you
thought euu were special
something about you made you special
but it was an illusion
it wasen real
if i had a wish
juz one wish
i would wish dat things would be the same
no matter how many times i said,
that i wont regret any of my decisions
i regretted one
i regretted givin you up
now its all lost
cant return
lost
dead
R.I.P

2006-02-02T03:18:00.000-08:00

ppl have changed. the old class is falling
no way to bring it back. how i wish it was lyk las tym
now ppl are gay.dum idiots.
i changed
we all changed.
pai kia, guai kia wads the dam difference.
dey are all still humans
wid feelinns damit

2006-02-01T04:37:00.000-08:00

if i had a doller fer evrytime euu broke my heart.i'd be a millionaire.
y the hell do ppl fight.wad the fuck is wrong wid dis world.
watchin i not stupid too shows mie dat this world is nttn but a place where we live. people dun giv a fuck wadd other ppl tink
ppls dreams could be shattered juz by a word dat euu say. juz one word
sec 3 suks.nothin bout it intrests me, i said i'd work hard. but i cant see myself workin hard dis year,
damn
its over.
amen.
god bless.
f.u.c.k

2005-11-24T06:25:00.000-08:00

i cant do it anymore
ic ant keep on smiling
i've got a limit
it tires mie
but if i stop smiling wad would happen?
dis is nttn more but a nightmare
i wanna llive in a nvr endin dream
but reality is alwaes der
fuck reality
i am better of dead knowin dat im a nobody tu euu
i juz wan euu tu acknowledge mie
tu noe im der fer euu alwaes
and i will nvr let euu dwn or giv up on euu
but i noe euu will nvr see mie
im transparent tu euu
if only...
if only.

--i am mie no more--

2005-11-23T06:57:00.000-08:00

i wan tu cherish euu
yet i noe euu wont giv mie the chance to do so
i wan tu ask euu out
yet i noe euu will reject
i also noe dat by doin so
our frndshi[ will most lykly b over
i noe so many tinggs
but i dun noe wad to do
bout euu
i cant stop tinkin bout euu
i cant stp tinkin bout her
g0d gave us the gift of speech
but yet
with dat gift
i dun noe how tu xpress myself
wads the point of tlkin
if euu dun tlk
knowin dat after euu say wad euu need tu say
the outcome myt b not wad euu expected
i have tings to sort out
but i'd rather not do
i rather die den tu sort dem out
it gives mie no end of worries
tu know how many tings i muz do
i dun wan no1 tu worry about mie
im not worth it
dat i noe
i juz came here
ders no point
haiss

-----

2005-11-19T20:18:00.000-08:00

i dreamt of a girl
someone hus der
it turns out it waz not real
juz a dream
but dat waz the best dream i had fer a long time
haiis
y cant dreams b real
cuz reality is lyk a nightmare tu mie

2005-11-11T21:47:00.000-08:00

wad do i hav tu do or say tu make euu understand
euu dun noe mie anymore
neither do i noe euu
we are both strangers.
i dunno y i spent my life tinkin bout euu.
tinkin boout tinggs.
its all a waste of time
but i cant stop tinkin
cuz tinkin is wad makes mie sty alive.
god..
lyf is so complicated.
i cant tink at home. i have no peace der.
and i dun wan my parents tu worry bout mie.
so i have tu tink outside.
alone or someting.
h0pe yall understand.
but euu will probably nvr do.

2005-11-09T06:04:00.000-08:00

we are born in the darkness
we were meant tu b in darkness
fer the light has blinded us
light has blinded us from wad we muz tinkk
it blinds us from the tru person within a person
light has only allow ppl tu hav their first impression on looks
relationships are formed by the looks of one another.
but ppl who are wid the dark are shunned
as they are blind
true blindnss is wad we call a handicapp
yet. we disregard it.
blind ppl deserve as much respect as ppl hu cann see
.ppl hu are blind actually deserve more respect.
as they see wads inside a person.
rather den outside
dey see wad ppl are feeling.weder dey are kind or badd.
while us.
us the ppl hu can see.
we first look at the outside.
if the outside of someone dun do tu our likin
we shun dem as if dey are nttn but insignificant garbage.
we shun dem without first takin a look deep inside their hearts
dis world was born in darkness
it should b kept in darkness
.
-get out of my head now-
-i beg euu-
-leave mie alone-

2005-11-08T20:07:00.000-08:00

GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!
get out of my head
get out of my head
plz i beg euu.
tell mie wad should i do.
i'd do anytingg.
plz.
...

2005-11-08T04:45:00.000-08:00

wads the point of makin ppl happy
wen i cant be happy
i see no point in doin dat anymore
cuz i dun recieve anytingg in return
im only happy. wen im frustrated
bein happy sheilds how frustrated i am
wen life sukks
i act happy
no1 noes how it is. 2 b actin evryday
stop remindin mie. of her
i dun wan tu remember her!
dun. i noe euu dun mean it.
i nvr show it. but euu remind mie so much of her
euu act lyk she does.
its almost similar.lyk euu are both the same person
plz i dun wan tu noe euu yet i do
i guess wen i misunderstood euu.
i shuldn hav patched up and b frnds wid euu again
i spend days tinkin.
tryin tu ferget her
yet euu alwaes appear and remind mie of her
im srry but. i cant help it
haiiss
its over

2005-11-06T02:39:00.000-08:00

y is lyf so fucked up.
im gonna sty single.
ferever single
cant take it anymore
dis tings i have felt before.
dun wanna let it happen again
plz let mie go
stp hurtin mie
i muz ferget
ferget evrytingg.

2005-10-31T05:05:00.000-08:00

hahahhs
chalet wazz damn fun
t00k more den an hour tu strt e fire fer bbq
so damn l0ng.
den bought so many bacardi.
addicted liaos
lalala__"
muz buy some more
wen cyclin.
blah blah
but go tu the beach at night
waz soo beautiful
wachin the sea at night
l00kin at stars.
even though only got lyk 2 stars
bleahhs
but sadded.
2diligence is gone
but erybody will b remembered
and nvr fergotton
hmm also havin chalet fer my b'day
plannin tu cycle at noght hahhs
den cann see the beautiful beach at night again
.jkt here i come.
wid all the carslberg and bacardi w8in fer mie
and my frnds
lalala__"
cheers

2005-10-26T04:21:00.000-07:00

.
ders no need tu worry bout the class splittin.
fer mie. nw i realized
evrybody gots der own frnds
tu accompany dem
i am der as a stand-by
i realized.many tings i have nver realized b4
i am no1 tu dem
dey are no1 tu mie
keep it dis way
h0pe nxt year will b e strt of a happy year

2005-10-25T04:23:00.000-07:00

hahhs see sho many ppl write on their blogg about the ppl in der life
sho now i follow dem
...
dunno wad tu write
...
bear wid mie here
...
chun eh. narrd eh.
hahhs frnds ferever
yar. yall maek mie happy
even though narrd sometimes beri strange and sick in e mind
bu still makes mie laugh
bleahhs

glad.
had some misunderstandin befor lOl
but now ok le yar :D
shi fu n tu di
hehe. but i ur shi fu still giv mie attitude. tsk
no respect wadsoever :P
lalala__"

fer aris. feng ru. eugene. loong
euu all also nver do anytingg fer mie hahhs
but euu all alwaes come my house ply. damn fun.
alwaes so zi dong take food i nver noe i have n eat
hahahhs twas fun :D

dun wann dis class tu split.
it will sukk
cuz...dis class rawkks
n is also my first class in secondary
hahahhs
sadded. but no choice.
damn streamin year
make mie so stress and also muz cause e class tu split up
haiis bo bian
lalala___"
cheers evryone
bleahhs

2005-10-24T06:10:00.000-07:00

end of dis yr comin le.tsk
holidays are comin
i see many b0rin days ahead of mie
cann sombody come make mie feel happy
feel alive
if only der was someone out der
hu can make mie feel mie
if only...
if only...

2005-10-16T07:06:00.000-07:00

i tinkk everyday
bout y cant my life b lyk a story
a story where evrytingg goes ryt
where i have frnds, a nice sch
someone der fer mie
a story dat will end wid a nice endin
but dat is a story
n wad i have is my lyf
a lyf where it sees nttn but darkness
dis aint wad it was suppose tu b
im not meant tu b lyk dis
why.?

2005-10-14T06:17:00.000-07:00

ppl take tinggs fer granted
until dey lose someting or someone dear tu dem
dey alwaes take it fer granted
about how good thier life is
or how well dey do in studies
but yet
der is alwaes someone hu is realistic and down to earth
some one hu noes the importance of everytingg around us
i have yet tu find dat someone
i have also yet tu find someone tu cheer mie up
and put myself away from misery
dat day will nver come
but yet ppl cheer up at the slightest tinggs
while others need ppl tu buy dem tinggs or treat dem to a dinner fer dem to b happy
our world is full of ups and downs
but der are ppl lyk mie who dun noe the reason why we are on earth
wad purpose do i have tu b here
wad am i doin here

haiiss dese tinggs will nver b known

im glad euu found someone hu cann cheer euu up
and someone hu means sometingg tu euu

forgive and ferget
dat is the way of life

2005-10-13T01:57:00.000-07:00

end of dis year comin le
2dili ish gonna split up
frnds are gonna b gone
strangers are gonna b frnds
y muz lyf b sho complicated
aint it good tu leave it lyk dis
haiss
.
.
.

2005-10-11T07:19:00.000-07:00

i finally noe wad it is
tu white out
i got a glimpse of death
where i felt nttn
but see white evrywhere
heh sadd
fainted and hit e staircase
now left knee all swollen
tsk
sukks
maths is phail

FcUk
do euu noe how much it hurts. wen i see euu sadd
euu noe how much happier euu make mie. wen i see ur smile.
euu noe how much gbetter euu make my life. wen euu tlk tu mie

2005-10-10T06:43:00.000-07:00

haiis
lyf sukks tu the core.
exams sukk
ppl sukk
i sukk

3 words dat mean sho much tu mie. but nttn tu euu.
i lUv euU

fCuK
LalALA___"

2005-10-09T01:53:00.000-07:00

y do ppl care about others
wad is carin
wad is concern
i noe not dese tinggs
cann some1 plz xplain it tu miei have heart made of steel
i have a body but no soul
i have darkkness but no light
i have strangers but no friends
i see shadows on the walls
i see failure not passin
i am negative not positive
different ppl lead differnet lifes
dey choose their paths
i choose my path
livin in isolation
still remember wen i said dat fer fun
lyin under the table cuz my drawin got ripped
dat waz before
it waz fun
laughter
i noe not
now is now

isolationn

2005-10-07T04:41:00.000-07:00

luv ish juz a figment of our imaginationss
wen ders luv
ders pain
wen euu lyk someone
someone will suffer
wen euu hav frnds
betrayal is not far away
frnds arnt always der
luv ish nttn but a feelin
darkness is the shadow
light ish nowhere tu b seen
exams are here
hav ta pass it
ppl are chngin
chngin tu wad dey're not
cngin tu wad dey wan ppl tu lyk
but dun lyk demselves
tu stress tu do anytingg
ppl go to drastic measures
nttn here is plausible
strangers everywhere
making friends with the shadows on the wall
death ish nearin
dispair is cominsorrow is approachin
its inevitable

2005-10-05T06:16:00.000-07:00

y are we born on earth for
y do we suffer hardships
but some ppl get tu escape dose hardships
n others hav tu suffer from dem
its confusin how ppl cann b nice tu one person
n nort nice tu another
euu said euu would care fer mie
dat we were good frnds
nver tu giv up on each other
dat wadever i do or argue. euu still would helped
i believed euu
euu were the only one hu gave mie a hope
yet.
we ignored each other
its not ur fault.i also ignored euu
but..
ders nttn more i cann say
im sorry

2005-10-05T02:06:00.000-07:00

nobody understands mie
nobody noes mie
i feel lyk i dun even noe myself
how cann i go onlivin lyk dis
english paper tml
sure fail.
life sukks
i see ppl all around mie
but tu mie dey are all strangers
no1 i noe at all
ppl are havin frnds
alot of frnds
how i envy dose ppl
y dey hav sho many frnds i dun
i noe ish juz mie
i hav no outstandin qualities at all
other ppl do
y did god do this tu mie
ppl change from time tu time
dey go from bad tu worse tu better den best
im juz der. lyk a shadow no1 notices
standin in the bakground nver tu b recognized
nver tu b seen
but only to see dat
all i've been doin is ignorin ppl
but its too late tu turn bak
i have done tingss dat i cann nver take bak
fer wad i ever did tu hurt ppl
im sorry
dis is the only way i cann say sorry
nttn in my life is worth livin for.
only dat one hope
of goin bakk
tu the place where troubles are non-existent
where frnds are all around
where dat is the place i carnt b
no1 cares bout mie
i dun care bout myself
all i wanna do is get swallowed by the darkkness
tu nver see the light again
as im not fit tu see it
not good enough tu b ur frnd
let alone tu noe euu
from dis point onwardds
i dunno euu
euu dunno mie
my feelins fer euu is no more
all i see is a girl
hu's name i dun even noe
and a guy
hu waz my frnd but nomore

---darkness---

2005-10-04T04:08:00.000-07:00

evrybody gave up on mie
i gave up on my self
frnds are nttn
dey arnt der wen euu need dem
dey do tinggs bhind ur back
ders nttn tu stop dem
darkness ish here
where is the light
i cant find it
its over
today i got lost on the road of life
luv is a figment of our imaginations
ders no such ting as love
its juz sometingg we wan
wen all along we dun hav it
wen someone luvs someone
is dey care bout dem
dats all it is
i cannot blive in anytingg anymore
i cant trust anyone
life sukksif only it waz lyk las time
where i had frnds
now i hav no1
nttn
dey're all gone

i lost a part of myself tu euu
the other part is nowhere tu b found
help mie
save mie
darkkness
forgive and ferget how euu xpect mie 2 do dat.
i have no feelins nttn matters tu mie anymore

2005-09-30T00:39:00.000-07:00

dun remind mie of the past
stop it
it hurts sho much
i try tu b happy
laugh here laugh der
but wad do i get
dis
reminded mie of the past
we were frnds
its over now
wad quarrel for one day
euu hurt mie
euu reminded mie
ders no more
i've got nttn tu do with euu anymore
as i said tu euu before
wad happens tu euu is none of my business
i was jokin den
now i mean it
wad happens tu euu is none of my business
euu die i dun giv
ur not important tu mie
ur not lyk her
euu got in trouble
dun find mie
cuz i aint carin bout euu
bcuz of euu
i lost a part of myself
ders no turnin back

2005-09-29T02:38:00.000-07:00

heh
heh
i guess it becomes lyk last time
euu dunno mie
i dunno euu
i guess dis is for the best
leavin it lyk dis is the best
haiss
i wish euu g00d lUck in ur life
h0pe evrytinGG g0es well f0r eUu
hope euu do well for ur xams
h0pe euu will sMile anD bE happy evryday
cuZ eUu hav g00d frnDs all around euu
we aRe both differen
the xact oPPosIte
dIs is y. nttn cAnn woRkK ouT
gD bYe
i wiLl nver FoRgeT the tImes wEn we wErE g00d fRnds
the fUn

---darkkness---
bye

2005-09-26T06:14:00.000-07:00

haiiss
life is miserable
life sukks
i sukk
but ders nttn i cann do bout it
.i need tu b alone ryt now
till xams are over
i cant waste my time on the com
but i cant help it
i cant stop myself
i dun need anyone
no one needs mie
its all even

2005-09-23T07:02:00.000-07:00

its drivin mie insane
i dunno wad is
im turnin crazyy
i act happy in class
goin high
all happy
cuz im insane..
my sanity is gone
i cant stand it anymore
im all alone
i noe how it feels
bein an idiotic fool lyk i am
i feel the pain
in the heart
with no one der
lonliness is lyk being in a world of darkness
nver endin darkness
loneliness
anger
dispair
y mie
i said i'd help someone out of the darkness
dat someone is out
happy and cheerfull
while im still here
facing nttn but black
stayin in a dark world
no light
or colours
just black
damn

FUCKK
its over

damn

2005-09-22T04:57:00.000-07:00

no..nvm
i wont
i'll nver forget euu
belive in mie
belive in urself
my secret is out
so i have nttn 2 lose
i luv euu
i can nver chnge dat
forgive mie
for even tinkin of forgettin euu
i' can nver forget
the concern euu gave mie
nicest tingg
im sorry

臍を噛む; ほぞを噛む

forgotten
turnin point of life

2005-09-21T05:13:00.000-07:00

how can euu live
knowin dat ur a failure
how can euu live
knowin dat nttn good happens tu euu
more importantly
how can i live
knowin dat im unwanted. a reject. failure
wad do ppl see in mie
wad do i see in myself
i see nttn in mie
nttn at all
heartless being
wad is the meanin of friendships
wad is the meanin of love
dey both dun mean anytingg
both friendship n love will leave euu
will leave mie
it will nver stay beside mie
nver b der for mie
ders no reason for mie tu b here
for mie tu b alive
i hav no use
y waz i born tu earth
y am i subjectedd tu dis misery
of facing nttn but lonliness and the darkk evryday
im used tu the dark
im consumed by it
y can i nver get out
freedom is caged
happiness is barred
im desloate
an avenger
wid no meanoim of life
no reason tu live
no acceptence of fate
dat is mie

darkkness
hatred.dispair.sorrow
gone
dissapeared

2005-09-20T03:51:00.000-07:00

heh
its good dat evrytingg turned out well
evryone is happy
euu have someone der tu keep euu happy
im not needed anymore
now tu blend in the shadows
back tu the darkness
useless.
stain bside ur shadow
wachin over euu
euu have better frnds den mie
dey care bout euu alot
dun let dem go
dey cann make euu happy
laugh
euu will have ur smile bakk
no need tu care for anyone now
der lifes are happy
dey will all live good lifes
only mie in the shadows
wachin dem and euu
alwaes here for euu
its out
its over
i dun trust no one anymore
no one can gain my trust
i waz too trusting
not anymore
bak tu the darkness
haz shown mie my flaws
i'll chnge
no one cann use mie
my smile is gone
unlike urs
it will nver come bakk
lost in the dark
with no way of findin it
even a fake smile is not der
ppl in my life will leave
all leave
dey wont remember mie
but i will
i remember evryone in my life
from the begginin tu the end
im gone
awae
bb

darkness reigns
light has fallen
im bakk
tu the way i waz bfore

2005-09-19T04:02:00.000-07:00

haiiss
even euu sad dat 3 words mean sometingg tu euu
but euu dunno how i feel
nobody noes how i feel
haiss
i tried hard
tried m best
tu keep euu happy
its wad i do
but ders no difference
i cant move ur heart
cuz ur heart is with someone else
i acknowledge dat fact
n take it in my stride
but no matter wad happens
i will alwaes b der bside euu
makin euu happy
wad ever hapens
i willl nver forget euu
and hopin all my life dat euu will nver forget mie
but times have changed
relationships are different now
its hard for someone our age tu stay 2gether for longg
i wish euu were with mie
i wont leave euu
lyk i said
but drs nttn i cann do
all i cann sae is
follow your heart
do wad euu tinkk is good for euu
nver do anytingg euu will regret
i will alwaes b der
supportin your evry move
wishin euu a happy day evryday
im sure a guy will come along for euu
its juz a matter of time
.but it will nver b mie
cuz im unwanted
cheers

darkkness

2005-09-18T02:05:00.000-07:00

>Hey,> >
As you know, Karen passed away almost two weeks ago on August the 8th. She
felt dizzy in her stomach' but it didnt hurt. The weekend of the 6th and
7th was our family reunion. Karen came of course but she just sat around,
too tired to move. On Sunday morning, my dad wanted to take her to the
hospital as she was coughing and as a result of that, throwing up.

He was advised to go to a GP instead so he did. We thought it might be
appendicitis but at the local doctor's post they found nothing wrong with
her so my dad took her back to my grandpa's house. When I came back in the
afternoon, she was lying in my parent's bed. She was so cold but she was
sweating. Her hair was wet of sweat and she said she was hot. She drank a
lot of water and I started reading the Princess' Diaries 4 to her. After
about an hour I noticed she had reddish, purple spots on
her hands and feet, like bruises but redder. My dad had just came back so I
ran down and called him. He rushed her back to the doctor's post where she
was immediately taken to the hospital in an ambulance. She was in shock.

My aunty Hetty drove me to the hospital, where Karen was with my dad and
my other aunt, Irene. Karen was a lot more concious and even raised her
hand and said 'Hey Ro' to me. Over a period of about 2-3 hours she was
given 2 1/2 litres of water on the drip, but they couldn't find anything
wrong with her. Her heart and lungs were clean, and the rest of her was
functionning normally. They couldn't find her blood pressure though. Just
like my mum, Karen's veins are hard to pierce so they got little blood out
of her too. She looked better though, she stopped sweating and she could
speak: before she slurred her words.
They then moved her from the Emergency Room to the Children's Intensive Care unit. After a series of tests they then decided to put her under anaesthetics so they could perform more tests and get a blood pressure reading.

They said her blood was too acidic. Karen was so thirsty but because they needed her stomach to be empty she wasnt allowed a drink. The funny thing about Karen is that she persisted. She suggested sucking on a wet napkin and within no time the doctor allowed her that.My mum and grandpa had arrived at the hospital in the mean time so before she went under anaesthetics, we said goodbye. I kissed her cheek and whispered to her to be strong and that I love her.

My mum did the same and my dad stayed with her while they admisistered the anaesthetics. He held her hand and kissed and he took off her oxygen mask so she could kiss him back. She fell asleep and he too, was asked to leave the room.In the waiting room, we told the rest of the family what had happened and what they were doing, which was performing more tests so they could see >what was wrong with her and why she was in shock in the first place. My dad and I didnt want to sit down so we walked and talked and about half an hour later, 2 nurses in blue rushed out of the elevator on scooters and ran into the CIC (Children's Intensive Care) room.

As we ran into the waiting room a doctor came up to us and told us that her heart had suddenly stopped beating. They were reaninmating her. I couldnt breathe: that was my sister. She was dead and they were bringing her back to life. My dad and mum and I were allowed in and we sat facing her. There were so many people around her, doctors and nurses and doctors in training. She lay there, naked on a bed, her belly bloated because of all the water they had pumped into her. She was white and all I could see were her legs and belly jolting as they were pumping her heart. She came back. It was 10:45 then, when we first came in. People worked calmly and in my eyes slowly, taking so long to rip the packaging off instruments. In the room lay babies, red and small and all connected to monitors which went off now and again. We just sat there. And my sister was dying. I could only see her legs, which were white and her belly and her hands and arms. I could also see her monitor, with her heart and breathing rates. Her chest was moving but that was because she was connected to a breathing machine. From then on it was like we were in trance. They stabilized her and tried to reach her veins without success so they decided to find her arteries. They tapped onto the one in her neck and by her legs and on her feet but every 20 minutes or so her heart rate fell. It went from 146, 132 to 70 and then 50 and then they were reanimating her again. I kept asking the nurse who stood next to us what that meant, when her heart rate was fast and if that was good and i know it made no sense but I kept asking it.

Each time her heart rate changed I asked if that was good. I was crying and praying and >begging God to please help her and to not take her away from us. I kept >saying>that I couldn't loose her, that I really couldn't loose her in the hope >that, when you have no second choices, you get your first, so that I could >keep her. My parents were quiet. My dad sat and watched what they did, he >could see her face. My mum and I couldnt.> >Then the nurse told us that there was liquid in the sack around her heart >and that it was stopping it from beating. They tried installing a pace >maker and wanted to quickly cut her open and pierce the sack. The >children's heart doctor had just arrived and stood there in casual clothes >with his hands in his pockets, mumbling to another doctor. I didnt know >what i could do, i suggested giving her my blood and i wanted to trade >hearts. her heart rate was so feeble and weak and she was so helpless. I >wanted to trade so badly, it wasnt fair that mine was working and beating >so fast. then, whilst reanimating her for I think the 4th of 5th time all >of a sudden, everybody stepped away. The doctor came to my dad and said >something about a protocall but i didnt know what that meant. Everything >went silent and the air was thick and warm and smelt of blood. All i could >hear>were the sea noises and the cry of seagulls from the baby's glass incubator >behind her. It was 12:50. She was dead. My little sister had died. Karen, >my sister and daughter and friend. I love her so much and would have done >anything for her to be alive.> >The 3 of us then spent the next 3h30 hours washing her and kissing her and >talking to her. All my cousins(from my mums side) had come and they came in >to say goodbye. It was surreal. I dont know how to describe it, she was >sleeping, her body was still warm, especially her back and her eyes were >still blue and she still had all her freckles. She even had a slight smile, >at least something that looked like she hadnt felt anything. She died >whilst she was under anaesthetics and so, hopefully, felt nothing except >for the pain she endured whilst the doctors were trying to pierce her >veins.> >We got home to my grandpas at about 5 30 and i dreamt of Karen. I dont want >to tell you about each following day but the point was that we had to, by >law, burry or cremate her within the following 5 days. On thursday we had >to choose her coffin, I had to decide in which coffin my little sister >would be burned. We had to talk to people and visit places in which we >could have our ceremony and it was so technical. I didnt understand how >they could ask us such minute questions when we had lost Karen a few hours >ago. Anyway, we made cards and choose a place in which people, who couldnt >come to the ceremony could say goodbye and we decided on a church in which >we would say goodbye on saturday. Karen came to my grandpas house on monday >evening at 9 after they had performed an autopsy. She was dressed in her >swimsuit and over that her dark blue jeans and black and white top.>We put her downstairs and the following 2 nights i slept on the bed next to >her. I kept reading the princess diaries 4, which she asked me to start on >sunday. it was so normal to talk to her and to hug and kiss her and to hold >hands with her, it was all Karen, except that she was very cold. When it >was dark and she was surrounded by her bunny and other stuffed animals and >her body glove tshirt she looked like she was sleeping, only not quite as >she never slept on her back, always on her side in a little ball or on her >belly with her hand next to her face. On wednesday morning, fred arrived. >we called him on monmday morning when he was in bali with 3 uni-friends. >Fred spent the next 2 nights with Karen and my mum spent the last night >mext to her. Fred was alone (without family) when he heard the news and he >wasnt there to see so he was behind, i dont know if that makes sense but he>wasnt able to spend the first 2 days with Karen so acceptance wise hadnt >started. Anyway, we went for many walks to talk and cry and try to >understand what had happened. We didnt do so well, my mum blocked it out >sometimes and then realised it and broke down, my dad couldnt sleep more >than 2 hours each night and was emotionally so tired that he felt cold and >needed really sweet tea that i brought him and it scared me so much because >Karen was cold and thirsty too and there was no way i could loose anyone >ever again. fred and i were quiet, i didnt eat and we both slept about 14 >hours a day. i know i just keep going on about how we felt but i cant get >the words right. i have never felt so much pain. i know it was just bad >luck that it happened to Karen as we still dont know what was wrong >with her but i thought our family had had enough to live with. My mum>survived, why couldn't her daughter? And Kaartje (our nickname for her) was >sort of like my little daughter too! and my friend, she had become my >friend!> >The ceremony was on saturday morning. Fred spoke in the beginning, my dad >in the middle and I went straight after him. We had a live band from the >family reunion, all peeters family members who sang 'fragile'by sting and >'tears in heaven'by eric clapton. after 2 of my aunts, irene and hetty had >said something, my cousin jochem sang and played on guitar the song he had >written for Karen. 3 of my sister's closests cousins siad something too and >Suus read a poem she wrote for her. Then our best family friend, Cornellie, >who named her dog ''Katje'' after Karen because she was so in love with >her, said something about Karen being in the stars. it sounds silly that it >be true but it made so much sense when she said it. we ended the ceremony >with a slide show of 80 pictures fred and i selected and put in order of >her gorwing up. (fred>brought back our family photoalbums) They were projected whilst we played >úntitled' by her favourite band, simple plan. It ended with our most recent >picture of her from that summer and the song changed to the chorus of í'd >do anything' also by simple plan. After that the 4 of us kissed her and >went to the condolence room. It hurt to have people ask you about your >study and what you're going to do in he future when you've just had a >ceremony for your 13 year old sister but i guess it was just because they >didnt know what to say. i mean there isnt really anything to say as no one >could possibly know what you're going through..> >Anyway, i know its a short overview i mean not short but i could go on and >explain each day but thats not the point. I just wanted you to know what >had happened and what we experienced. We drove behind the funeral car that >afternoon at 1 to bring Karen to the crematorium. She was burned that >afternoon.> >I wanted to thank you for all of your emails and calls and for thinking of >us. Thank you so much for thinking of Karen and Francesca, thank you so >much for coming. It was unbelievable that you did and Karen would have >loved it. I know she adored you and like you said, talking about her makes >it feel as though shes still there. I know i didnt reply your last email >but I'd be really happy if we could still keep in touch.>Sijtske, thank you for not listening!!I know i asked no one to come but >when i saw you, oh man i was so happy!!thank you for being there for >me, and for listening to me ramble on the phone and for putting up with my >mood swings!>Thank you all so much for being there for me and us. I know you all sent >your love and Im so gratefull for it. There we so many cards and emails and >texts and phonecalls that came for Karen and it made us realise that we >have so many caring, true friends. Thank you so much, i mean i dont know >what else to say except that i, we are really gratefull and lucky to have >so many people that care about us.> >Karen will live on is us, but how can she, she will for ever remain 13? I >know that she still lives in us but right now thats not good enough. I want >Karen to be here, or rather in geneva, sleeping at my dads cousin's house >ready to start her second week at school there. I love her and miss her and >it still feels like shes here, i mean i would start uni anyway and would >see her in a few weeks when i go back to jakarta to help my parents move. >There's so much going on here, ive started uni and ive found a room in >maastricht (the city where i live) and ive met so many new people that >emtionally, im so confused as its exciting and new and theres parties to go >to but then on the bike or when i buy a book or when i see my parents i >burst into tears again and go quiet again. were all like that but i guess >thats natural. its just that now its like im living 2 seperate lives.. but>yeh, i guess now is the best time to start over. not over again but to >start something new. i even got a new email and everything, which i know is >overdue as i cant keep using this one but now is a good time to start with >a clean plate..> >I started this email weeks ago but never got round to finishing it so im >sorry its so late. Its just that when i send it its final, like then >everyone will know and it will be true, in writing, that Karen isn't alive >anymore. I refuse to think she's gone though, i mean her soul and her >energy and everything that made her so beautiful has to be somewhere right? >i mean people dont just disappear, it cant be forever because i know shes >somewhere new. i just hope she isnt alone or afraid or upset when she sees >us here, living and she cant be with us. Its not like i had any confessions >to make as we told eachother every night that we loved each other, our >whole family does that. and we mean it, she meant it too. its just that i >wish that i had taken more time to listen to her or to not send her out of >my room all the time..there are so many things i could have done to make >her>happier and i really really hope she knows how sorry i am for ignoring her >and for fighting with her.we still talk to her and update and tell her >things and i hope she can hear us..> >anyway, im going to bed as i have a lecture to sit through tomorrow morning >but i want to say thank you for everything you've done for us. Thank you >for being there for us when we needed it the most. I'll send you Karen's >card in a few weeks time, when we all have adresses and when we're in >indonesia but thank you again for all of your love and thoughts.

rest in peace karen

2005-09-16T07:06:00.000-07:00

too much people gettin sad
y?
makes mie wanna b sad
evrytingg i do
its not appreciated
evryone i care about
is nttn
no one care
bout mie
dis is life
damn life
fuck life
bein happy
is fucked up
its all fuckedd up
nttn matter tu mie anymore
no matter wad i do
its not known
so i'd best not care bout anyone
cuz evryone's got someone else for them
mie
i got myself
only myself
tu depend on
life is crap
got nttn tu do
evrytings goin wrong
my heart is turned stone

carmen will call euu soon
muz ren. miss euu alot
cheers

ciao

2005-09-15T06:15:00.000-07:00

i dunno y
im turnin crazy
my life is juz filled wid a sudden happiness
im becomin another person
someone hus a stranger tu mie
y muz dis b
in class all happy happy
y.
dis is too much for mie

bleahhs

2005-09-14T06:07:00.000-07:00

i dun get it
y do ppl make so much fuss over dis
dis incident
its nttn at all
ppl tinkk im gonna get beaten up
i wont
even if i do
i'll stil b okay
y do ppl tinkk im scared
i noe dey ask mie out of concern
but do i look scared
sometings i will nver noe
tsk

my confession
will nver b heard
dat special person
will disappear
awae from my mind
dis is wad im tryin 2 do
get her out of my mind
is veri hard
but i juz have to
for my sake
and hers
she is taken
i have to accept the fact
we will juz b good frnds
stay as good frnds
srry for not tellin euu
i broke my promise
as seeing how tings are
i cant tell euu
im srry
frnds we are
frnds we alwaes will bdis is the fate dat befalls us
amen 2 dat

XD
bleahhs
confessions__"
all gone
nver to come bak
mie
euu
us
shattered
gone
lost
alwaes between us
euu
him
nver 2 b lyk dis again
him
her
both are a mathc in heaven
mie
euu
both are destined to b seperate

i am here
good and well
euu are der
all pretty and beautiful
i reach out
but touch nttn
euu walk awae not noticin mie

2005-09-13T04:50:00.000-07:00

one question
y isit der is sho many xialan pl in dis world?
answer
no one has the answer
ppl are born dat way
ppl wan come make trouble with mie
cuz accidently hit him
lyk dat im fine wid it
but come push n scold mie
i can ren
now wan fight wid mie
hez pushin it
i listen 2 teacher
dun fight wid him or quarrel
wadeva he do let him win
ok i do dat
but bring his frnds come my class outside
act cool den disturb
dat one is really pushin the limits le
but he wan fight
i dun. wad he gonna do bout it?
i let him fight
if he hit mie let him hit until suang
he not happy let him hit somemore
its not lyk im gonna bend down n cry
he cann do all dat 2 mie
but wen he even touches one single strand of hair from my frnd
he die
he wont no wad pain is until im done with him
nobody pushes mie
i swear i'd stop fightin
long time ago
i did
but dun push mie
cuz i still can fight

"i gotta confession tu make"
to dat special someone
she myt not know my feelings
but i dun mind
dat confession is almost out of my mouth
but i dun wanna sae it
the pain of rejection
its my fear of it
i wanna lety euu noe
how i truly feel
but if i do
will euu noe
how much euu mean tu mie
will euu accept the fact
dat im not handsome
smart or strong
all i need is euu
tu make mie keep movin on
so plz i beg euu
i need euu
2 b by my side
im lyin 2 myself dat euu lyk mie
but its all i can do
waitin for the time
plz

bleahhs
bullshit

2005-09-09T07:27:00.000-07:00

hahhs
2dae go P.S watch movie
3 ge hao ren damn nice
mark lee and dunno hu act one
hehe alot of hokkien but still damn nice
lalala__"
mark lee rawks
nabei here kaobei der
hahhs
make mie laugh damn much
XDDD
hais 2dae not much 2 write
cuz all day out
hahhs

thankss 2 bao chuan shoo much for helpin mie chnge blogg skin
cuz i have no clue on how 2 chnge it
i sho stoopid ryts hahhs
anywayzz ty ty ty
XDDD

darkness is around
light is around
both nullifies each other
but light alwaes win

happiness---
lalala__"

bleahhs

2005-09-07T03:01:00.000-07:00

hahhs
2dae damn fun
first ish tuition but nvm
it waz ok
den go gareths house play halo
hahh play for lyk 2 hours arh
ply deathmatch and campaign
go so far in campaign2 bad kanna jam
hahhs den deathmatch
sniper at base
sho damn fun n so much killins
Boom headshot
BoOm headshot
haha
lalala__""
hmm tml still got remedial
e last day of goin bak 2 sch for remedial classes
yay
.>_>
<_<

darkness
light
both tings dat can chnge someone
chnge der attitude
cnge der personality
but we muz not fall 2 darkness
stay faithful 2 the light
keep a positive attitude
treat ur friends well
nver betray or bakstab dem
for these are the commandments of friendship
the most important for all relationships
loyalty
thou shalt not scumbug to the darkness
thou shalt be loyal to thy friends
thou shalt not bakstab nor betray thy friends
thou shalt always have trust in friendships
friendship is the greatest ting one can have
friendship is more valuable then all the money in the world
friendship cannot b bought
friendshi[ is the thing dat make us truely succesfull
and havin friendship
euu muz belive in urself
nver give up wadd euu strted
finish it and finish it with style

happiness---
enjoyin life

2005-09-06T06:18:00.000-07:00

haiss
2dae wake sho damn early go pui bongs class
thought ish from 8:30 to 11:00
dat time also damn long le
but she had 2 teach shit 2 us until 1:45
haiss.>5 hours plus..prob equal 2 1 week of chinese
wahh..if nxt week gort chinese i dun wann do le
sho damn siann
bleahhs
farrk pui bongg larh
she sho damn fucked up n sho damn xia lan
haiss
she makes ppl wann hate her
lyk xia lan kia
heh both are the same
both damn xia lan
lalala-__"
muz try nort tu let both of dem bring mie down
heh dis year is comin 2 a end le
haha most lykly wont hav pui bong for chinese teacher le hahhs
sho happy
yes
hehe nov or dec i goin jkt if i get 60 for maths le
yay i can do it
i cann see my frnds again
den will hav a damn bigg party with food n beer
carslberg ishh best hehe
i luv jkt
only for the sch n no age limit on cinemas and cheap tings
lalala__"'
i've given up on luv
i alwaes giv up
cuz no matter how hard i try it will b useless
i noe dis
so muz give up n move along
lyk someone said
luv will come
mayb my luv will come later on
even if its 20 or 30 years later
as long as i nort 2 old
i will go on wid life
hahhs
holidaes sho damn siann
haizz
muz keep myself occupied
n ps2 gort problem
haiss
hehe :DD
i ish siao liao
lalala__"
nttn ish gonna stop mie
from acheivin wad i wan
2 b happy
n 2 make others happy
no one will stp mie
cuz i wont let dem
destroy anyting in my way
liquidize anyting dat angers mie
agerin mie is nort a gd ting

im wachin--
wachin in the darkness--
wachin for the horrible end--
dat will come 2 euu--
watch out--
---xia lann kia--
die

---happiness---
life is about enjoyin urself---
>_<
>_>
<_<

2005-09-03T08:29:00.000-07:00

hehehe
isit true dat wn i frown i look verii angry
hahhs
i nver thought myself 2 b angry
ever hahhs
cuz as ppl noe i nver angry one
i dunno y
mayb cuz i no feelins bah
hahhs i eel nttn
my heart ish stone colD
hahhs
bleahhs
lalala__"
monday gort maths...
sianns
but after dat go watch herbie yAy
hahhs
wah
i sae dis holiday gonna b fun sia
hole week cann slp as l8 as i wann
evrynight keep on tinkin of her
but tinkin wont do anyting
muz do action
but i cant bring myself 2 do it
cuz i myt get rejected
i cant b rejected
the impact will chnge mie
2 b in the darkness again
i cant
not after i found my light
light is good
cant leave it
so
der goes my love life
so much for true love
or love at first sight
haiiss
but muz b happy :DDD
smile
XDDD
cuz life will always b going
nver stoppin

happiness
bleahhs

2005-09-02T06:15:00.000-07:00

hahhs sho happy
lalala___""
resultss improve hehe
somemore my auntie buy for mie new camera costin $399
wahh i sho damn touchedd
but y she buy for mie i also duNno
hehe
at least have new camera somemore looks sho damn kool
2day did dat streamin tingg
i chose pure bio for first choice
cuz its nort as stress as triple science
n i cant get in2 triple science anywayzz hehe
heh
n ncc
song xi ish bcomin better
heh now i go ncc nort sho sianns
yAy
bleahhs
carmen comin bakk at dec le hahahaha
yay
sho damn happy
i miss her sho much
but surely nort as much as chun hahhs
nxt week all holidaess
but 2 bad muz go 2 sch in i tinkk the hole holidays
for remedial lessons
haissh the 2 subjects i dun lyk somemore
maths n chinese
tsk muz go c e pui bong againn
heh at least get 2 c classmates againnn XDDD
heh nw my blogg wenever i look at it i see sho damn borin
but i dunno how 2 chnge
it waz xialan kia hu did it
but nw i nort tlkin 2 her bleahss
heh sho muz ren with the blogg skin hehe
life ish gettin sho much better
hehe go life
but the only ting dat will make it perfect ish if noes how i feel bout her
even if she dosen accept my feelins
which she probably wont
i will still feel dat life is perfect for mie
hehe see im sho damn simple
only a lil tingg cann make mie happy
heh n someone's blog ish "infamous" le hahhs
unknown ppl go der type
hehe dunno weder she readin dis XDD
hahhs 2 bad for her lorh
she also cant do anytingg about it
>_>
<_<
heh

life rawkkss
---bleahhs---

2005-08-31T07:13:00.000-07:00

hahhs
2dae sho fun again
wad a fun weekend
ish teachers day celebrationns :D
but first we had 2 run
but nobody run wann hahhs
walk walk..i sho damn lazy
den had 2 c teacher vs student captain ball game
hahhs the student trashed the teachers
but den ming yan go giv the teachers 2 points for evry shot
the students only 1 point
sho student lose
haiisshh
den the celebrationss
sho fun before it strted
strted diaoin amy n charmine
den strt annoyin joyclyn by callin her prune over n over again
hahhs
hahhs den go c ppl dancin
steady
hehe
wa say
sho damn fun
den gort keng thye hong shannon gareth n wee kiat come my house
all squeeze in my small room
play ps2 after play until siann
we go ply soccer
sho damn fun
pump here pump der
i somemore header the ball in2 e goal
but 2 bad nort counted
cuz wee kiat handball before
sadd
hehe
wahh life rawwkks
thnk euu god for showin dis 2 mie
XD hehehe
alot of ppl steady larh
dey 2day go der old sch visit teachers
i cannot
my primary sch also nobody noes mie
hahhs
wadd 2 do??
at least i had a damn gd day
peace 2 all
bleahhs

---happines---
---joy---
---love---

2005-08-30T06:12:00.000-07:00

wa seH
2dae sho damn fun
pe e best!
strt runnin 2.4
thought verii sian
but i 1st round waz first :D
den at second round suddenly strt rainin
hehe sho suang
all my tiredness went awae
wish it nver stopped
runnin n enjoyin the rain
dats wad life is
enjoyin
im strtin 2 c dis
the darkness is clearin
my life is happy
digital art also fun
do finish poster den strt playin
plyplyply
all i noe how 2 doe :p
life is strtin 2 get better
but she dosen noe dis
she dosen noe how i feel
i tell ppl 2 make first move
if they lyk someone
but i tell dem i also nver do
how cann i tell ppl 2 do it den?
haiiss
but muz nort let dis make mie sad
:D
muz b happy
lyk i promised many ppl
muz nort let her
the xia lan person make my life dull
muz find happiness
its all around us
no need 2 find
no need 2 search
i noe where i cann find it
in my frnds
the tings i do
makin ppl smile n laugh
dats wad i tinkk i waz born 2 do
as evryone is born 2 do smetingg
im born 2 brin happiness 2 ppl
and i cant do dat by bein sad
muz b positive
:D muz show other ppl im nort sad
dis ish a turnin point in my life
hehe but denn i bcome more xia lann
hahhs evry gd tingg haz a bad outcome
wad 2 do??
lOl

---state of depression, clearin up---
---happiness ish here---

2005-08-29T06:20:00.000-07:00

haiiss
xia lan person..
ish nttn
she ish sho damn xia lan
but at least waz a bit fun
chun go guai lan
make mie sho pek cek
sho annoyed
lyk i wann kill him lyk dat
he tlk tlk tlk
somemore wen i doin my work
hahhs
but i guess i deserved it
bcuz i go gang up wid wynee n charmine
n go sae catholic rawkss
even though i nort religious
and dat chun is almos christian..
hahhs
i gort sae correct??
hahhs but wenever i see or hear dat xia lan person
eee sho er xin wen i tinkk of her
some more i do nttn 2 her. go call mie xia lan
wa lao
wad type of person is dis
she ish worth hatin
cann hate all i wann
cuz noone cann stop mie
bu heck care her larhh
der is better tings in life
wayy better den herr
heh
her downfall would b pleasin 2 c
i'll b waitin
all dis while
gor ur end
n for a new begginin for mie
a new life for mie
with darkness awae
but dats a dream
a dream dat will nver come true
chun
muz remember bring tml
n muz stp bein sho guai lan
euu wid ur xia lan bin XD
jokinn
hehe
c i 2dae sho damn happy
i dunno y
lalala___"
catholic rawkks
bleahhs
XDDDDD

2005-08-28T04:15:00.000-07:00

lalala__''
happy new year
im crazy
nttn cann stp mie
im out of my mind
tings around mie
movin sho fast
events happenin
goin by 2 fast
i cant grasp anyting
nttn makes sense 2 mie
i cant help it
i tried my best
2 keep euu wid mie
but my best waz nort good enough
i had 2 do better
but i cant
i gave up
lyk a wimp i gave up
i lost it
i culdn do it
she smiled at mie
she laughed
but no matter wad i wanna do
she dosen c it
my care is lyk carin for a wall
someone wid no feelins
nttn is inside of mie
depression is around
swirlin in my mind
smoke around mie
ders nttn i cant do
but 2 b wid euu
ish someting totally different
its nort possible
its not plausible
its unpassable
a chance for mie
is in the wind
wad i want
is nttn compared 2 euu
i realized im crazy
not gd enough for euu
but dat dosen stp mie frm tinkin bout euu
dis is killin mie

---state of depression---
---life has no meanin---

2005-08-27T07:16:00.000-07:00

heck larhhs
euu sae euu christian
christian muz care for ppl
dat i noe
but euu
not fit 2 b christian
euu sae euu care...
i pui on euu arh
care..eu noe wad care ish
i tinkk nort
how someone cann lyk euu
i dunno
but at least gort someone lyk euu
if nort i sae euu single for life arh
ur attitude
euu act
stoopid
bloody hell
wan accuse mie come larh
euu where nort happy
come tell mie
but dun xpect mie come 2 euu
i dun wann 2 waste my breath on ur bloody self
euu giv human a bad name
chnge bag here n der
chnge 2 branded wann
euu tink euu gd larh
scared euu i also hav
euu hav nort enough ppl hatin euu arh
wann somemore isit
las tym i dislike euu
now i hate euu 2 ur fuckin guts
euu wann more frnds bloody chnge ur attitude
keep on goin lk dis c weder euu still hav frnds anort
see wedr euu still hav true frnds anot
bloody the hell
euu wan frnds
go b kind
dun sae ppl nort worth ur frndship
ish euu nort worth der frndship
heck care euu
will sure come 2 a bad end wanns
n wen euu do i'll b der watchin
as darkness surrounds euu
suffer euu will

---darkness>
---loneliness>
---ish all mie>

---state of depression---
life has no meanin

2005-08-26T05:41:00.000-07:00

end of year is comin
results suk
but gettin better
i cant fail dis
i muz get 2 a gd class
or i'll let evrybody dwn
i'll b a failure for life
i muz try
muz pia all the way
even with all the darknessa round mie
i muz find a light
a small light
dat is enough 2 get mie 2 a gd class
dats all i need
i cann live the rest of my life in darkness
but i cant live knowin dat im a failure
knowin how my parents worked so hard
and it waz 4 nttn
i cant live knowin i let my parents down
dis is wad i need
someone bside mie
someone der 2 cheer mie on
2 cheer mie up
someone i cann tdepend n trust fully
but its hard 2 findd some one lyk dat
i cant even find a stead
but dats no surprise
cuz im a failure
wid no gd looks
or intelligence
dats all i really dream of
but dreams nver do come true
so im here wid darkness surrondin mie
findin for dat door wid light
2 guide mie
along the path for passin
juz dat
cann some one help mie 2 find it
the door
plz
some one 2 care
2 luv

---state of depression---
life has no meanin

2005-08-25T03:12:00.000-07:00

wad is happenin 2 mie
dis feelin
its jealousy
but y am i feelin dis
wen i c dem both
i tried nort 2
but its hard 2 ignore
its hard 2 go against it
all i cann do is nttn
i can do nttn
i muz try not 2 notice it
but its so hard
luv is nttn
it haz no place in my heart
but y?
is dis happenin
i cant xplain it
i need 2 b alone
away from others
dis is mie
the real mie

---state of depression---
life has no meanin

2005-08-24T02:15:00.000-07:00

ppl say i type ish sho sad
isit really?
im only typin wad i tink life ish
imagine how sadness ish compared 2 dose hu r handicapped or paralysed?
dats wad sadness ish
real sadness
handicapped ppl cant live normal lives
der incapable of doin some thing we take for granted
lyk goin on the computer or playin games
sho now hu tinks im sad
sadistic i am
i cant help it
its how i live
wad i am
nttn can chnge dat
light is leavin mie
darkness ish in
black ish my colour
im nort chnged
i hav a heart made of stone
no feelings at all
some ppl noe dat
some dun
i cant help it
im depressed
sadistic
alone
hatin
no one noes how it feels
unless dey xperience it
but most ppl hav a gd life
dey are lucky nort 2 xperience dese
instead dey get a damn gd life
gd parents
gd tings
gd brains
i have nothing of dose
i only have myself
n my trusted frnds
which are gettin lesser and lesser
at least i noe i cann trust dem
but tings are chngin
especially nxt yr
we will b split
i myt nort have any of my frnds with mie
life is gettin from bad to worse
haiss
only time cann tell
only euu can chnge mie
but will dat happen
its impossible for it 2 happen
help

---state of depression---
life is meaninless

2005-08-23T01:40:00.000-07:00

im srry
i cant do wad euu wan mie 2 do
its not easy tryin
ppl see colours in their life
but i see darkness
i choose to see darkness
i appreciate ur concern
im grateful i hav a true frnd
but der is somebody out der hu needs ur concern more den mie
so dun need 2 care
i have myself
euu will live a happy n blessed life
my life is nort known
filled with darkness or light?
no one noes
i find my path
i make my life
my life ish as good as over
nttn means anyting 2 mie
mie dyin dosen scare mie
im nort afraid of death
sooner or later we will all die
so if i die young
i will accept it
n cherish the death dat was given 2 mie early
depression haz come
sign of darkness
nttn ish the same

---state of depression---
life is meaningless

2005-08-22T03:00:00.000-07:00

life haz no meanin for mie
im all alone
ders nttn inside of mie
but darkness
ppl wonder y
i juz dun understand
i hav no feelins
i am happy
but for those hu wan mie 2 b happy
i am sad
when no1 needs mie 2 b happy
life is lyk a dream
we all tink we have a gd life
but if we look harder
it's different
if euu look harder
euu will see the hardships
the sadness
the pity
and the deaths
life is short
treasure it if euu muz
cuz i wont
life haz no meanin for mie
only euu can make it better
it all gets together wen i see euu
no matter wad euu do or sae
but i muz not love euu
as it will only lead mie 2 depression
i lost all faith in love
evryting haz no meanin now
frnds are the only ting left for mie
and even frnds are changin
im left wid nothin
nothin i sae or do will make it go ryt
i can never chnge fate
n i am fated 2 live dis lonely life
i only hav euu 2 tink about
nttn else
but juz tinkin of euu makes mie feel sad
so i dun tink of euu
i tink of nttn
but darkness and loneliness
my frnds are all enjoyin der lives
dey have tings dat go right for them
dey r born lucky
either gd lookin
intelligent
or made for sports
but i am none of these
im the totally opposite
i have no where else 2 go
plz let my life end
cuz i will alwaes b hated
by ppl around mie
i will alwaes b alone
widout dem
life has no meanin
its over for mie
but dyin aint the answer
but its the only option i hav left

---state of depression---
life haz no meanin

2005-08-20T22:20:00.000-07:00

luv ish a figment of our imaginationss
der ish no such ting as luv
i once blived in it
but now i dun
hear my words..its all true
i hav tu learn 2 live life on the brightside
for the sake of ppl around mie
i muz b happy 2 cheer up the sad ones
i muz try
but tryin ish so hard
cheerin up ppl ish wad i hav left
i hav a gd home gd parents
but my life ish empty
i only find happiness in euu and seein ppl laughin n happy
my shhoulders alwaes here
waitin for euu tu lean on
but i noe dats nver gonna happen
cuz its my life
nttn gd happens in my life
only sadness
plz understand
im nort tryin 2 b sad 4 attention
im sad bcuz i waz born lyk dis
i learned 2 b happy in jkt
but dis ish singapore
so different
plz try 2 understand
im lost widout euu
my studies is failin
im rejected
i hav 2 b bak in jkt
where i new nttn bout bein sad
i hav 2 leave
y i'd hav tu come bak here
memories come bak
dis place of beauty
ish all a cover
nttn is wad it seems
dat includes love

--state of depression--

i'll leave euu 2 alone..
cuz euu 2 are made for each other
even if euu dun acknowledge dat
but i noe
cant compete wid him
its all over
god bless euu 2
b happy forever
dun need care bout mie
cuz im nttn
but a shell

2005-08-15T07:08:00.000-07:00

Lorvves euu loads
But do euu luv mie

2005-08-15T07:03:00.000-07:00

2dae feel damn good
dunno y....learn dat my frnd come visit mie on wed le YAY!!
haha also...i tink she lyks mie..lol..but itz prob my foolish tinkin only
she 2 good 4 mie--den gd 2 noe dat carmen settle well wherever she is lol

some more cann go internet cafe der...pro sia
miss her damn much

hehe juz dese few tingss make mie feel sho damn happy :D
lalala___" dese happiness will last mie days
hehe--
the only ting dat make mie sianns ish tml the chinese test
sure fail one larh..haisss
XD anywayz muz alwaes b happy smile! :D

lalala__"
love euu sho much

2005-08-14T01:27:00.000-07:00

2dae ish my ma de b'day..lol..time sho fast pass
almos a yr bak in singApore le..
2dae meant 2 go swensons...but go swenson untill siann las time
so 2dae go jack's place..hahhs goin 2 have big feast le
lalala___" now go sch muz b happy le.cannort b sad >_>

so 2dae will b a new day 4 mie..lalala
mie..the happy guy hahhs ...i lame sia

c i nttn 2 write...so borin..heh

[R.I.P} [X]
2 a gd person--our hearts will alwaes b wid euu
mie heart ish wid euu but ish urs wid mine?

2005-08-12T07:32:00.000-07:00

her funeral ish tml....{R.I.P}
she will b remembered by im sure all of BIS yr 8's soon 2 b yr 9's...
n her parents and all her relatives

..i still ignore dat person...
im not goin 2 chnge anyting..i'll still b hatin..no matter wad euu will do
euu will nver gain bak wad waz b4..
haiz...if only it wasnt lyk dis..if only it din happen
but no1 can chnge the past..wad's done ish done..

i'll prove 2 euu hu i am...i'll b bak...i dun tink dis..i noe it
..itz juz fucked up

{R.I.P}-tu a gd person-our hearts will alwaes b wid euu
my heart ish wid euu..but ish urs wid mie?
>_> =.=" <_<

2005-08-11T06:19:00.000-07:00

hatred...haz consumned mie...hatred ish in mie..
4 dat person...dat damn fukin person..
we were frnds...but nw im nort so sure..
dat person haz chged...alorts--nttn ish the same anymore
i cann only b wid the other ppl i trust...

i dun wanna tlk 2 dat person..anytime im near dat person
i ignore...lyk nttn ish dere..lyk no one ish present..

dish sukss, i nver hoped dat it wuld b lyk dish
i dun wanna hate anyone...but hate ish in mie
im gone....chnged.twisted.all i can do ish wait n watch

>_>
<_<
{R.I.P}-to a gd person-our hearts will alwaes b wid euu
my heart ish wid her..but ish hers wid mine..

2005-08-10T04:48:00.000-07:00

i learned dat she died of a heart infection--n mayb bcuz of high fever
how can dis happen..ish lyk evryone i noe has smeting bad happened 2 dem
knowin dese..how can i continue livin lyk dese

i outside or wid frnds act....act happy n "cheerful"..but dey dunno anyting
wid carmen gone...n her dead...its tu much 4 mie tu take..
and all happened one by one..sch gort stress...
evrywhere hav stress==

i wonderin ish her heart wid mie...
even if she noe how i feel..it will mean nttn..
she probably haz smeone else...shez tu gd 4 mie
evryone ish tu gd 4 mie...dey gd at studies..sports...almos evryting
while i am useles...no life

{R.I.P}- tu a gd person, our heart will alwaes b wid euu
my heart ish wid euu..but ish urs wid mie..>?
<3 >_> <_<

2005-08-09T05:13:00.000-07:00

......hais..ish a veri sad tingg
first carmen go..nw karen had 2 leave dis world.

{R.I.P}
our hearts will b wid euu no matter wadss
many ppl are leavin---i juz noe euu on my last few months
we bcame gd frnds...well sorta
will miss euu n carmen loadZ

but i promise ppl le..i muz b happy...4ever happy :D
dats all i hav tu write--n chun eh...muz calm dwn.dun get angry over one person hahhs __>okies>

>_> haisz

2005-08-08T05:15:00.000-07:00

hais....sho fast 8th of aug le...
haiss.....carmen 2dae left..so damn sad..will miss her loadzz
2dae at sch go help out at the concert..den go hougang mall 2 eat lunch/.>
after dat went 2 airport....the trip der by mrt ish sho longg..veri sinzz
den go walk around the airport findin her---

on a happy side...2dae ish shi rui's b'day...so lucky..her b'day so fasdt
still have long way 2 go 4 mie but its ok...

---IsH ShE In mY HeArT?---
---OnLy G0d NoEs---

2005-08-01T03:38:00.000-07:00

...hmmm stoopid pui bong..come giv mie oral wen i sic and cannort tlk properly.. means i sure fail wan lmao...den nxt ncc i sure get tough time wid sotong one la....stupid wencong sae i go bully gladys :P die liao lalala___" so...i nttn 2 write hahhs wad 2 do..i ish lyk dis one...XP

lalala

2005-07-28T03:34:00.000-07:00

hahhs finally post agin lalala__""
at last after dunno how many months lmao
tml hav cross country sho i dun wan post muz save energy hahhs

2005-06-04T03:11:00.000-07:00

wa...so long haven post...ma old blog dunno di3 go where....wad 2 do..so dis is ma new one hahaq enjoy

2005-06-04T02:38:00.001-07:00